Disclaimer: I own nothing! I might have some pocket lint... And if you want that, you’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead fingers.
Agent Philip J. Coulson warily eyed the archer hovering over his shoulder. “Is there a problem, Barton?” he intoned His pen did not touch the paper that would become his assessment report of SHIELD’s newest potential recruit. And yes, he was alive. No, he will not let anyone outside of Medical and Fury know how it happened. Except there was a vial of really hinky stuff involved. Like seriously hinky-weird shit that would make Loki’s stick of mind-controlling doom seem like a fairy wand that shot bubbles out of its pointy end. Classified.
“Nooo....?” Clint Barton rocked back on his heels, smiling and eyes wide.
“Was that a question?” Coulson asked. He got a shrug in reply. “And stop hovering like a grandmother.”
“Oi!” Clint yelped when he was yanked into the chair next to the SHIELD handler’s desk.
“Sit. Be quiet. Don’t hover.” The older man jabbed his pen at the archer’s general direction with each command as he turned back to his notebook. Before Clint could snatch the pen, Coulson jerked away to begin writing:
000/000
Philip J. Coulson, Level 9
SHIELD Agent/Handler
09/14/2012
Name: Harry James Potter
Code Name: White Serpent
Age: ~530 years old
Height: 5 foot 11 inches
Weight: 158 lbs
Eye Color: Yellow (formerly green)
Hair Color: White (formerly very dark auburn)
Ethnicity: Immortal humanoid/demi-god (formerly homo-sapien/wizard) NOTE: can transform into any kind of snake, usually prefers the poisonous ones
ETC:
-Wears blue-tinted glasses; his gaze is deadly without them. You will drop dead upon eye contact.
-Travels multi-universe like most of his kind
-Masters weapons with ease; give him a weapon he’s never used before, he will perfect his ability to use it over the course of several hours (NO FAIR!–CB)
000/000
Coulson glared when Clint gave back the pen. “Barton... thin ice,” he growled. The blond grinned and gestured for the Avengers’ handler to continue.
000/000
-Has a grim, anti-social personality. NOTE: Do not touch him without express permission. Doing so will result in missing limbs at the very least.
-Uses magic only during conflict but will not cause conflict nor seek it out. NOTE: but will fuck your shit up without remorse if you piss him off. –CB
000/000
“Write your own preliminary report on Potter, Barton!” Coulson barked. He forcefully took back his stolen pen.
“But it’s more fun if I just add onto yours!”
000/000
-Will not stand by, despite anti-social tendencies, if there are people to help. Hero-complex.
CONCLUSION
White Serpent would be an excellent asset to SHIELD. If he gave a crap... (Coulson sighed but let Clint give back his pen).
However, he would most likely rip Anthony E. Stark apart limb by limb. (See previous observation about touching). Dude, poor Bobbi lost three fingers trying to flirt with him. And Agent C. Barton would lose his head. Totes true.
RECOMMENDATION
Avengers Initiative Consultant only; treat with extreme caution and respect. Because he will turn you inside-out if he gets pissy enough. Just ask Hill. Christ I never thought I’d ever see that woman run away from anybody. That’s because she got in his face and didn’t learn from Fury’s experience when he was turned into a hamster and put in a hamster ball for a week. Word...
000/000
“You should totally hand that in as is, Coulson,” Clint said, his blue eyes dancing in amusement. Coulson snorted but his reply died in his throat as an explosion caused the floor to buckle. “Umm, didn’t Stark blast-proof all ten floors of labs below us?”
“Yes...” the older agent drawled uneasily.
“Should we check on it?”
“JARVIS?”
“It has been contained and the tower’s infrastructure remains undamaged, sir,” the AI replied primly.
“Good deal. So, headquarters?” the archer asked.
“Let me grab my coat.”
000/00
Harry Potter, aka White Serpent, squinted down at the bottom of his tea cup. “Oh bugger...”
000/000
END
